Of the many ways in which I failed, one that I should be used to by now but am constantly reminded of, is that I am a single parent. And then there are these government salvos every other day, so that those of us (and yes, I know guys are single parents as well) whose relationships broke down are well aware of our failures: we made bad choices, did bad things, we may have had partners who wandered off or died. We may have wandered off ourselves. We may have even committed the worst kind of sin and chosen to bring up children on our own because we wanted to. I plead guilty m'lud. But still, when I look at the products of those who stay together "for the sake of the children" I am unrepentant. The most miserable people I know were often brought up this way. There is enough love to go around and I see lots of good-enough single parents.
Growing up where conflict is there but supposedly "hidden" is tough on kids. Growing up when one person is trying to do two people's jobs and you're told something is "missing" is tough too. I don't deny that. Arranging our own Mother's Day is a chore, never mind organising another relationship when every child in its way wants their mum to be faithful only to them. But all of that pales in comparison with simply trying to cope day-to-day, financially.
We may be Darwinian about this and argue that couples are only ever meant to be together till their offspring are independent – but that once meant until they were seven and could walk and talk for themselves. Now it means 27 – a life sentence indeed. Instead, though, marriage is being pumped up for childless couples. And for gay people. God knows why. I mean that literally: a God most of us don't believe in. Still, a monogamous marriage with Mummy and Daddy in fairly traditional roles remains the ideal. In this scenario, as a single parent you are "tolerated" as much as gay people are. You may have to live in this sad and unfortunate state but if you are solvent, you are semi-acceptable.
If, on the other hand, you are a single parent who aspires to better things but are "trapped" on benefits you are a subspecies in need of help. But how does that help manifest itself, exactly? Many young mothers I meet would like to work. Most would like some training so that the jobs they get may last. So instead of endless lectures about fecklessness, central government needs to help in two obvious areas: affordable childcare and training opportunities. All else is meaningless or we will have a layer of people who are unable to work. Ever.
We didn't need another report to tell us that our kids are in a bad way but the Rowntree Trust has provided one. Two more years of benefits cuts and wage freezes and an estimated 7.1 million out of out 13 million young people will be living below the income deemed necessary for a decent life. Gideon sheds no tears as austerity hurts children. At least it's honest. Do not cry for those you would deprive, just spare us the morality tales on the benefits of marriage in this wealthy nation.
Purely in terms of finance, getting single parents back to work makes sense. Turn them into taxpayers. A Gingerbread survey has detailed what happens when single parents go to jobcentres. They are often the most motivated, but they remain invisible in the system, with very poor chances of finding jobs. There are no specialist advisers. They are handed between Jobcentre Plus people and Work Programme people, so that many report a kind of Groundhog Day scenario. They want upskilling and childcare. What they get are endless lessons on CV writing and using online searches for jobs. They are disadvantaged, of course, by their caring responsibilities and often limited work experience. But how are they to change this? This is the context in which benefits are frozen.
My generation was luckier. We had grants and access courses. And work. I did and do, though, find it hard sometimes, and no amount of moralising by this government helps in any way. Like many, I patched together childcare with a bunch of likeminded women who enriched mine and my children's lives massively. Without them and subsidised nursery places I would not be the upstanding taxpayer I am now.
This new round of punitive measures against single parents – benefit freezes, the closure of access courses – enrages me not only personally but politically. How does pushing them further down the ladder help? The backlash against the welfare state is spoken of in the abstract. Bring it home: it is a seven-year-old whose dinner is a packet of crisps. Likewise, investment in infrastructure could mean investing in our poorest children, not a shopping centre. Instead of punishing young mothers we could support them. Crazy or what?
The hardest-working people I know are single parents. You do not have to love us, but why punish our children? If you don't see where that will lead, neither your heart nor your policies are working properly.